Once upon a time there were two twin brothers called Tim and Bob Rogers.
They both were old pensioners living together looking after each other,
and getting into their late 90's.
One day a big storm erupted and a bolt of lightning struck their house and -
they both were killed.
On there way up to heaven they were stopped at the pearly gates.
There where lines forming outside the gates and the brothers both looked very confused.
As they got closer they could read signs that were above each of the gates,
On one gate it said "Important people" and on the other it said " Un-Important People".
They could see from a distance that the Un-Important Line has a red man with -
horns standing next to that gate.
The brothers both looked at each other and decided quickly to get into the Important People line.
As they approached the Important People gate they were quickly trying to work out stories of -
what to say to get through to heaven.
Tim was first to the gate, He was asked why he was Important,
and he said that he was a famous Poet.
The Angel at the gate said," i have never heard of you!.
Tim said, "you must have".
The Angel replied, " well if your so famous then give ma a poem off the top of your head about Timbucktwo".
So Tim stood there for a few seconds and quickly came up with.....
" Here i stand on these baron lands upon these baron sands,
caravan comes into view..... destination...Timbucktwo".
The Angel said, "gee your pretty good, you can go straight through!".
Tim was relieved and happy, but he was worried about Bob and how he would go.
So next it was Bob's turn.
The Angel Said the same thing to Bob and he replied, " i am a poet just like my twin brother, we work together".
"OK" said the Angel, " funny how i have never seen you guys before,
but anyway....i want to see if your as good as your brother can you give me a poem about Timbucktwo as well".
Well Bob stood there nervious for a few seconds and luckily this popped into his head....
" Me and Tim went Hunting...got bent,
come across three girls in a tent.
Me and Tim didn't know what to do....
So i bucked one and Timbucktwo!
***** ALERT - Nominations for your new ClubCJ Committee can be made here *****
Jokes in here!
Moderators: Moderators, Senior Moderators
ROFL We need more jokes like that one!!
I'll add a few of my own that I have lying around:
Q What's the difference between a Lancer and a Sheep?
A You don't mind being seen getting out of the back of a Lancer!
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no legs.
Neil.
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug.
That'll do for a bit
I'll add a few of my own that I have lying around:
Q What's the difference between a Lancer and a Sheep?
A You don't mind being seen getting out of the back of a Lancer!
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no legs.
Neil.
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug.
That'll do for a bit
How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
One to move it to the lighting section
Two to argue, then move it to the electrical section
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
Five to flame the spell checkers
Three to correct spelling/ grammar flames
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another six to condemn those six as stupid
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too"
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
One to move it to the lighting section
Two to argue, then move it to the electrical section
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
Five to flame the spell checkers
Three to correct spelling/ grammar flames
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another six to condemn those six as stupid
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too"
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again
Indeed it was Mizta_B!!
-----
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*****s who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*****s who are getting on, get your a***s in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p****d off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen."
-----
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*****s who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*****s who are getting on, get your a***s in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p****d off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen."
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