Universal Truths

[86MIM]

~Collected from a random email~

Universal truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Michael Hill Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than Michael Hill.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. Or worse still, that hilarious one that made me laugh till tears ran down my cheeks isn't funny any more and I don't even finish watching it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent one of those self-focussed twits from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their mobile phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my last 5 cents everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

33. The only time you want to try a new item on the menu is when they have just run out.

34. A refrigerator magnet will never hold anything of great importance without the aid of another magnet.

35. The only time you truly crave any particular food is when there is none readily available.

36. You will only burn yourself with a hair straightener when you are in a hurry

37. Things are never in the last place you remember leaving it. Otherwise they wouldn’t be lost in the first place

38. Glue only seems to be permanent when you realise you have made a mistake.

39. Why don’t white outs come in different colours for coloured paper?

40. Under every person’s cupboard under the sink lie a dust bunny that never seems to get cleaned up.

41. Jeans always seem to shrink right when you need them to look great

42. How many people who buy a water-proof watch actually take it to the depth indicated by the manufacturer just to check?

43. Sour Cream or really curdled milk? You decide.

add more if you have some!

[LukeD]

The moment you just want to die after you say a joke that was funny in your head but no one laughs

[E-dawg]

Nice list 86MIM, I can relate to about 95% of those haha. Now that I think about it, I did make a big point about having a waterproof watch that has a depth of 30m, but i reckon the deepest it has gone is about 5m lol.

[SIR-VRX]

~Collected from a random email~

Universal truths

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? There is actually a procedure for that.

[Leez]

Haha so true so true. Good find!

44. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

45. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

46. You never know where to look when eating a banana.

47. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

48. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

[Kimmy]

~Collected from a random email~

Universal truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Bahahaha love it!

[SAM-24A]

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Sam

[Shifta]

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

so very true, they are everywhere here and like to swerve infront of you without warning, and there is a nice flat & smooth bike path that everyones taxes pay for less than 2m away.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their mobile phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my last 5 cents everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

haha EVERY MORNING! well, multiple times every morning, and it never fails